My Plane Anxiety

a current experience & reflection of this nonsense so it can hopefully leave my brain space for the internet's void

I am going against one bit of advice that always stuck with me from my time obsessing about Brene Brown…Only share the vulnerable moments you have already processed through. I really thought that was excellent advice for sharing personal stories.

However, right now I want to blab about my current conundrum. I really do not think I could accurately express this conundrum without being in the thick of it. Because I will just judge my brain for being like this and not write it. It is really frustrating because it feels so irrational and overpowering to me.

I have anxiety. I think it is diagnosed, I don’t remember if it was on my paperwork. I am suspicious it is a symptom of some other neurodivergence that I really don’t care to investigate professionally.

Anyway, back to my anxiety. It particularly spikes with travel.

By spikes I mean, I feel like I am buzzing (it is May 11th, and I still feel buzzy from this). Anytime my brain does not have something it occupy itself with, it is worried about the upcoming travel components that I will divulge into in a bit. Am I a little more sweaty? Yes. Am I a little less oriented in reality because of this? Yes. I mean it puts my hyper vigilance on a mutant level. My heart rate is likely high and my filters are not at their best. Fun times…I also cry randomly and a lot. Mostly just tears running, and stuff nose level crying.

This impacts me most when travel includes mixing with the public. As I said, flying is the worst. Car is relatively normal for me. I have adapted how to best plan for it to be low-moderate. Plane is moderate with an emotional support human in attendance. (THANK YOU IF YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED THIS ROLE!)

I do not fear flying. I do have a visceral, not logical, fear of heights. But this isn’t activated with planes. I think because it is specific to the edge of something high. I cannot handle the edge of buildings, cliffs, dams…

Is it the variables? I think so…There are too many variable and too many people. I am exhausted by it and so I cannot maintain my “guard”. Being already out of my comfort zones by being away probably jolts my baseline too.

Why am I blabbing about this? I am annoyed that I am still buzzing from “Plane Anxiety”.

I just came back from a trip by myself. I did no go there by myself, only returned. I find the return is harder. I think I could go myself.

On this occasion, I had to drive to the airport alone for over two hours. I have never driven to this airport alone. I like this airport, it is a very easy airport. THANK GOD. I had to get gas before I dropped my rental car off, they charge a ridiculous amount if you don’t. This worked out lovely because I was able to use the restroom there, with the help of a nice man because I circled the building and could not find the random door that was not labeled. & The last time I dropped a car there it was a different system. So a lot of new things. (I swear the bathroom part is relevant).

I was worried about all these things, and the timing of them. I wanted to be early, but not too early. And you never know how long things take. Lamb traffic, tourist traffic, humans move much slower than in NY in general…

Then, I could not pre-select my seat (hence the EARLY arrival time I was going for). The website wasn’t working for me. I was worried about being stuck in the middle seat for 7+ hours. I like to use the restroom a decent amount on flights, so, I like the aisle. That little piece of mind did not exist. It is absurd how much knowing I will be in aisle seat can temper a decent chunk of this overwhelming monologue. Along with the unknown of a bathroom prior to giving my checked bag to the agent. WHAT IF I NEED TO USE THE RESTROOM? I couldn’t fit that bag into a stall!

Basically, I could not sleep well from May 4th-10th. I still am buzzing from this anxiety. Have other things like why I was there added to it? Absolutely. But this was my brain’s focus. I also was pre-period for this time and that completely plays a role in my inability to control this brain chaos. I have made so much progress with my anxiety, this is just one area that really knocks me down. And like it makes no logical sense to me, so it just makes me angry.

What ACTUALLY happened?

My flight was May 6th. I did have lamb traffic, they can squeeze through a lot of sheep enclosures, and thus are in the road. Sometimes with their moms…(low key judging this ewe parenting style)? Overall, not a bad drive.

The gas station on my GPS did send me to an odd one, but I ended up finding the one we usually go to because I missed a turn and couldn’t get into the one I thought was the normal one. The bathroom thing I noted prior occurred so I did not have to worry about my checked bag and a stall combo. Not something I should have BEEN LOSING SLEEP OVER.

But I know none of this should cause me to coil into fetal position in fear and dread, and yet it does.

Get to the agent. Ask for an aisle. Drop my bag. I get an aisle. (I know the letter layout so I am confident in this!). All is good. My bag is heavy but no issues. I go through security, now all I need to do is hydrate and eat so I don’t induce a migraine as I am already sleep deprived from this obnoxious voice in my head. Security is fine. Some of my stuff gets pulled but it is early and a small airport…no biggie. That is not an area I worry about outside of liquids IF I CANNOT CHECK A BAG. (As a contact and makeup wearer, I have a hard time with the “carry on only” liquid allowance.)

So, I had a lovely time getting some food and water in me. I shopped and read. Once I get to the airport, I am okay until I land. I also HAD THE WHOLE ROW TO MYSELF. Thank you to whomever blessed me with that loveliness!

Then, I was collected by family at the airport. When I am not, that is another spike of anxiety. Honestly, this time I knew it was set up, and all the other factors really took over so I wasn’t worried about this not working out. Whereas, the getting home from the airport is usually my number one issue. I really dislike being in a car with a stranger by myself when I am already exhausted and over-exposed to other unknown humans. This factor has honestly stopped me from planning trips on MANY occasions.

I am totally annoyed that I am like this because everything went so well. Mostly, I am annoyed that days later it is still messing with my sleep. Jet lag is enough to deal with…thus I decided to share the chaos that exists inside my brain.

Fun fact about me: I have a midheaven in Sagittarius and so it is kind of comical long term travel is such a conundrum for me. It would be so cute if my brain could like acknowledge that bit of my soul’s “fingerprint” ya know.

I wanted to share this random thing to see if anyone else deals with it? Also, to get it out of my head and throw it into the void of the inter webs.

Always appreciate the time you take to read my words,

Elizabeth

Boars of Valor